I Failed

images-13.jpegI watched as he threw the fetus of our daughter in the dustbin. I cried and cried but silent tears because I couldn’t do anything. If only I was strong enough to walk out that very moment when he talked about abortion.
I was so happy 4 four months ago, months feel like ages when I think about it. On this very day, 4 months ago, I got the news that I was pregnant. You can imagine the happiness on one’s face when they were repeatedly told that they can’t give birth but then you get the good news.
I never knew that that good news would not be good for my own unborn daughter.
4 months into the pregnancy, he suddenly wanted to know the gender of our baby, even though it is illegal. He was so happy just to know it that I couldn’t help but smile.
That day, I remember it clearly, we went to the  doctor for my regular  check up and to know the gender.
“It’s a girl !” as soon as the doctor has said this, I was so happy as I always wanted a daughter. I smiled at my husband but seeing his frown made my smile falter.
“what’s wrong?” I asked him but got no answer.
“Is there a way?” he asked the doctor.
“what way?” I asked panicking a little. He still ignored me.
“If u want then yes we can do that” the doctor replied.
I was getting frustrated with them not answering me but I tried asking one more time, “what’s that?”
“nothing baby, I will just fill the form”, my husband replied.
My heartbeat had risen, I don’t know what they are talking about. Is she alright? I don’t want anything to happen to her!
“Form for what?”
The doctor left the room giving us some privacy.
“for your abortion!”
“MY ABORTION!!” I couldn’t help but scream. No way in hell I am going to go for that. “ I am not going for it”, I replied firmly.
“But baby I know you don’t want this…”, he reasoned.
“I don’t want what?!” I asked tears paining my eyes.
“this”, he pointed to my stomach. “this girl….this baby….you don’t want a daughter”, he said it like it was forbidden to say daughter.
“But I want it….” I cried harder.
“Okay!” it was the only reply I got. If I would have known what he was planning, I would have gone for the abortion.
One week had passed and he didn’t said a word about it, just he wouldn’t show any affection towards our unborn baby in my womb.
Two weeks had passed and now he had stopped talking to me and even caring for me or MY baby.
One month and it’s like a torture for me. He pushes me, slaps me and has even tried tripping me on the stairs (and have even succeeded sometimes).
I just think how lucky my daughter is, she is surviving all this and still going strong. I guess I had assumed wrong, in the end she is just a baby and that too unborn. One day she would have given up and looks like that day had come.
He came very late at night, him being drunk was a sign of bad omen. But before I could react, he pulled out his belt from his jeans and starting lashing me.
He beat me till I bled and bled and bled…..and blacked out.
I don’t remember what happened after that but I do remember waking up in the hospital room with my so called husband on one side and the doctor on the other.
He was holding a packet which had somewhat blood on it. As something clicked in me, my hands went straight to my stomach with questioning glare on my husband.
“It’s all for the better” was the only reply I got or heard before I went into crying frenzy.
I was not crying for losing her, because if not now then he would have killed her sometime later. I was crying because I failed…I failed to protect my baby….I failed to save her from this patriarchal society….I failed her….I failed myself.


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